Streaming, Flaxen, Waxen Hair: The Worst Haircuts In Rock N Roll History
A famous artist once said ‘I do maintain that if your hair is wrong, your entire life is wrong’. That artist was none other than Morrissey, the poofy quiffed front man of The Smiths evolved into the grey haired pomp of agedness. It happens man, we lose our majestic locks with the ravages of time and not unlike our skin which fades and sags and becomes lackluster, our hair.. well our hair just rebels.
Many music makers are known for their locks. The signature Mohawk of Wattie of the Exploited or the down to therelengths of Crystal Gail (yeah,,yeah remember that dame?) and there are those who simply cannot let go. As if their hair was the one attribute that defined them as themselves. This almost always has disastrous results. Most notably are the mops of Johnny Marr, Paul Weller, Robert Smith- three otherwise great men who refuse to cry uncle and alter their locks to something more appropriate. Mr. Smith- what on Earth are you thinking? A simple hot oil treatment would do wonders. As for Marr and Weller- the 80s called and they want their bangs back.
It may be superficial and it may be unfair to question the appearance of those who entertain us but as public figures it’s open season and I’m up and ready to the challenge and apparently I am not alone. From the halls of Facebooks finest we polled the masses and they came back in record number to share their ideas of worse rock and roll hair- and there are so many we broke the internet. First place went to Mike Score of Flock of Seagulls his bat wing sculpture ‘do surely gave him the aerodynamics enabling him to ‘ran so far away’ As ridiculous as he looked he wisely shelved that lacquer fest and now sports a more civil and gravity responsible look. But it got him noticed and 30 years later if you google ‘flock of seagulls’ it will direct you to hair.
Which leads me to the famous Hair Metal of the 1980s. An entire sub-genre of long locked losers whose tresses made them money. I’m not saying that their talent wouldn’t have won them fans, but I am saying they were noticed a bit faster based upon their Fabio strands. Bret Michaels started off as a goldie locks and ended up as bandana locks, or cowboy locks hiding what we all know is happening, that length is all that’s left and the roof is getting bare. David Lee Roth of Van Halen fame chose the right path. From long wavy to cropped and tight. Rather than embarrass himself he opted to mature his look- if not his behavior. Poison, Stryper, Cinderella, ..hair for days and careers for months. Where are they now? Where is their hair now?
But what about the ladies? Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders has sported the same look for decades but with a modification. She thinned it out. No more heavy, the wispy full bang angled front softened her hard look. Joan Jett went from feathered middle part to skull cap pixie and I aint digging the result (though it is much better than the full shaved chrome she sported (thankfully) briefly). Madonna (other than that brief Papa Don’t Preach helmet), Courtney Love, Pat Benetar, all haven’t altered their look much a snip or extension now and then but nothing dramatic- though none were really signature to begin with. Just hair. Lady hair.. bland. Debbie Harry, pretty much the same same same same… I suppose Miss Lauren Hill went through some changes but she ended up in jail so lets leave the lady alone.
You cant take it with you and eventually its clogging your drain but nothing I mean nothing is worse than attempting to keep the same look you had 30 years ago- things change, texture changes, people change and so should your hair.