The Romanovs Abdicate

Written by | August 23, 2015 8:01 am | 2 responses



In a flurry of accusations and hair-pulling, the Romanovs blew apart at the after party at the legendary Riot House in the early hours of Sunday, August 17. It was a night fueled by triple shot lattes and Starbucks induced mania. The evening started out with the obligatory television throwing from the window, commented upon by their 14 year old lead singer, Motorina.
“Television? Like, is that that thing called cable TV?”

As the guitarist, Pete Castle (the Ledge), bassist Kirk Henry, and drummer John Mendelssohn raged and cavorted in the style most loved by early 70’s musicians, Motorola sat cooly by with her IPhone instagramming and negotiating dick pics and bullying on her snapchat.

At one point, John Mendelssohn flounced out of the room announcing,” I’m never ever, ever talking to any of you ever again!” only to come back in minutes later to see if anyone noticed. Reasons vary for this outburst, but an insider to the group speculates that John’s hurt feeling were from a female fan screaming, “Johhhhnn!” which he heard as “Jeeeww!”

The combined ages of the band is approximately 297 which may explain why other band members did not hear this outburst. Motorboater, gum snapping, issued a statement. “What? What are you talking about?” and went back to seeing who was blowing up on Twitter.

A bevy of 52 year old groupies hung out in the lobby hoping to meet the dreamy Kirk Henry, or at least the drummer. Montecito was overheard to speculate, “Um, is that my mom?”

A loyal contingent of fans have taken to social media, consoling each other with bootleg recordings of the band’s oft acclaimed but mysterious “Bathroom Tapes.” and video from the unannounced pop-up concert at an undisclosed Santa Monica parking garage.

The band’s bootleg ‘Live on Watermelon Hill’ is now frantically being sought out by music aficionados who are paying upwards of $29.95 on Craigslist.

The band’s publicist issued the following statement. “The Romanovs are on permanent hiatus due to emotional exhaustion. Go find another train wreck to follow.”


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